I had my LAST OB appointment this morning. I am so sad, I got to hear his heart beat in the doctors office for the last time by doppler. I did a NST for 40 minutes and passed so I don't have to go back. His h/b was great and my contractions are not very strong. I haven't progressed in the two days since I was last there. I have also been sitting at home and not over doing anything either hoping I wouldn't progress.
After my appoitment I got my admittance papers for the hospital, I have to pre-register on Monday and do lab work. I report to the hospital on Tuesday morning at 6am, and I am scheduled for the 1st c-section that morning! So he should be here before 8:30 on Tuesday. It's so sureal.
I am starting to get depressed about no longer being pregnant. I love being pregnant and I don't knwo if I'm ready to share him with everyone else. I am being selfish I know, but this is most likely going to be my last pregnancy and I want to savor every las minute of it and make it last forever. On the other hand, I am ready to meet our new son and ready for Zachary to meet his little brother. Our family is about to change in a big way, we are going from one child to two children. How do we share our love with both? I am told it just happens, so I am sure it will, but it's something I've been thinking about. There are so many thoughts running through my head right now and I only have 5 more days to get them straightned out!
I'm also concerned about PPD, Zachary was around 3 months old when I went into a severe depression and was put on meds. It caused a lot of problems with Mike and I and it took us a while to recover. I don't want that to happen again. I want us to be the HAPPY family of 4, not the mean bitchy mommy / wife I was after Zachary was born. I expressed concern to my doctor today about it and he said we would keep an eye on my moods and for me to be 100% honest and open with them if I am feeling depressed.
It's been SIX years since I've had an infant in my house. Is it like riding a bike? You don't for a few years and it automatically comes back to you? What about breastfeeding? Will I remember how to hold him and help him latch? Will I remember how to change his diaper, care for his circumsicison? I am feeling very overwhelmed right now. I have many things to do to get the house cleaned, I want it to be cleaned when I come back from the hospital because we will have visitors and I don't want to have to worry about my house on top of everything else.
I am sitting here crying, imaging what life is going to be like ONE WEEK FROM TODAY. I will no longer be mommy to just Zachary and wife to Mike. I will be Mommy to Zachary and Ben and wife to Mike. I am about to welcome a new little man into my life and I am overjoyed. I am also sitting here crying because I am feeling guilty. Guilty for my family and friends who were not able to make it as far as I have. Guilty because I am having my second child and they have been robbed of even having ONE.
Damn, today is an emotional roller coaster. I will get through it. Maybe I need to take Zachary to get icecream.
13 years ago
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3 comments:
I am not 100% positive, because I am still 30 days awasy from being the mommy of 2 too, but I am A MILLION % sure that what you are feeling are the same things every mommy feels before baby comes! I know I have ... I know I did with Tatum ... would I love her enough, what if I didn't ... what if she wasn't pretty ... what if I didn't know how to mother her, what if I never liked DH again ... Hundreds of What if's I had. And you know what I went through a little of the PDD and that too is normal ...
getting back straight is what lead me to baby 2 and now my head is even more messed up ... hahah
hang in there this is NORMAL ... you will be a great mommy of 2 and just like last time you will fugre it all out! YOU WILL! and you have a 6year old to help! He will love it! Hang in there be UP FRONT and honest at all times with Dr - stop the depression before it comes and remember this is NORMAL!!!
Hey! Yes, I'm up early this morning CAN NOT sleep. So I came to check on you before I leave for the hospital. Oh sweetie...I hope you're feeling a little better about all that today. I totally understand all that you wrote. I'm only different in that I'm SO READY NOT to be prego anymore (and I feel guilty for that too for many of the same reasons you do). I had an infant in the house only two years ago and I have the same worries about care/feeding etc. It's natural. You will have a BIG time helper that's for sure. I didn't feel NORMAL after Lindsay for about three months. I'm sure it will be a few months before we'll feel good again. Ross Family on my blog just told me number 2 is taking longer for her. Her second is almost 6 months and she still feels hormonal...great. Not to scare you but it got to me. I was like oh heck you mean it's going to be CHRISTMAS before I'm ME again?? LOL!
I am right there with you on loving two. I'm TERRIFIED at the thought of it. How can I possibly love another child the way I love Lindsay??? I have asked many moms of two or more this question in recent months...they all tell me you just will. I'm taking that one on faith. I think once they pull her out I'm not going to even question that one again. You are going to be a great mommy of two! I'm so excited to be a family of 4 as well. We're going to be great. But we do have to remember those first 8 weeks with a newborn are tough...even if we get GOOD SLEEPERS! I'm not looking forward to that "witching hour" every night. Lindsay's was from 7:30-9ish every night and I had to put her in the sling, wear her and sway while I watched tv. If I stopped she screamed. How am I going to do that with a two year old??? I guess I'm going to be watching/swaying to a lot more Barney!
I don't want to leave my cell phone number on your blog but if you want give me a call Sunday or Monday at the hospital if you want to talk...404-851-8000 ask for Christina Bresnan's room and they'll transfer you. If you need a talk down maybe I'll have some answers for you by then....LOL! I promise to come check on you when I get home. I should be home Mon or Tues!! Take Care!! Best of Luck!!!!!
Misti, you are a sweetie! I don't have any 2nd time advice, but I know that you will do just fine. As for the PPD, you know what to watch for and hopefully if it happens this time, you will catch it early. Of course, I hope you do not have to go through it again. Enjoy your last few days being pregnant, I do understand that feeling.
And not only do you have Mike to help you with Ben, but I hear older siblings are a great help with babies! :-) I'm getting so excited for you! HUGS!
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