Does it get easier?

Yesterday Mike and I were in the living room talking, Ben was in my arms and Zachary was in our room watching cartoons - out of no where Mike looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I have to be honest, the one part about having another child that I don't like is that it has completely ruined my relationship with Zachary". I started crying because secretly I have thought the same thing since Ben was born. Please don't get us wrong, we love Ben with all of our hearts and are so very blessed to have him in our family and wouldn't want him not to be here. The problem is, even though Zachary has been a great big brother and has been helpful he has also started acting out and being mean to both Mike and I at times. With Mike he hits and punches him and doesn't listen when Mike tries to correct him for misbehaving. With me he just ignores me and goes into the other room or he sasses me and runs away. I've bragged about how wonderful things are with our new family of 4 but to tell you the truth they are not so wonderful.

After Mike and I talked for a few minutes he went out side to get some fresh air and I went to our bedroom to talk to Zachary. I explained to him the way he has been acting towards his daddy is not right, he needs to be daddy's buddy like he used to be and he needs to show respect. We talked more about how it's hard right now with Ben so small for mommy and daddy to give Zachary all of the one on one time that he asks for but we try to do as much as we can. He said he understood and gave me a hug and then found Mike and he and Mike spent the rest of the evening together. I hope it improves, I really do.

On the other side of all of this, I feel like Mike hasn't connected with Ben. He is so worried about his relationship with Zachary he doesn't get to spend as much time with Ben. When he does he holds him for a few minutes, changes his diaper and then Ben starts getting fussy so he gives him back to me. I feel like all of my time is spent on Ben and I am not getting any spare time to spend with Zachary.

I went physco the other day and had a complete melt down in front of Mike and Zachary. I had fallen asleep with Ben so Mike let us sleep, he woke me up as he was getting ready to leave to go coach soccer. When I woke up I looked at the clock and started crying, Mike let me choose sleep over a shower which I hadn't had in over 24 hours and I felt gross I wanted to shower. He promised me when he got home from work he would watch the boys so I could take some "me" time and shower. Mike, noticing my frustration asked me if I could take a quick 10 minute shower so he could get to practice. I thanked him and jumped to the opportunity! Every since then he makes sure I get time each evening to shower for at least 20 minutes. This means my legs don't get shaved but once a week, but oh well at least I get to take a shower!!!

Tomorrow Ben has a doctors appointment to check on his heart murmur. I have a lot of questions to ask her also, he has been having 12 or more dirty diapers per day and they are very runny. He is also very fussy with gas when he is awake, it's very hard for us to deal with. The poor little guy just cries and pulls his legs up to his chest and his belly gets very hard. I have adjusted what I eat and have been eating a very bland diet and it's not helping. I really want to continue breast feeding but I am worried he might be allergic to my breast milk, is that possible?

I'll update more tomorrow. I'm also working on downloading a ton of pictures from the past few weeks so I can finally update pictures. I am sure I'll have one post full of nothing but pictures!